How to make a Narcissist

There isn’t a guaranteed path on how a child will develop Narcissistic Personality Disorder, it really doesn’t matter what the family set up is either. Narcissistic traits manifest themselves depending on how sensitive or resilient the child is. What we do know is NPD is more likely to develop in a child with a sensitive disposition who is then being subjected to disengaged parents. The child is simultaneously over and under indulged with things rather than attention, love or nurture leaving their worlds emotionally impoverished. They grow up with a value system based on superficiality.

The disengaged parent has no interest in who the child is, only what the child is; Are they good at sports? are they academic? How do they make the parent look? Rather than an interest in their emotional self:

Are they happy? Do they feel secure?

Through the parents dis-regulated value system the child isn’t taught how to deal with their emotions. They miss out on one of the most important lessons in life: self- regulation.

Being able to manage their feelings and emotions is an important part of childhood, it teaches them how to be disappointed, how to deal with anger and frustration even shame and embarrassment.

Narcissistic personality disorder and people with high degrees of narcissistic traits mirror developmental issues that occurred largely in childhood. Their minds are juvenile and so the child is being reared by at best a teenager and at worse a toddler having a tantrum. The naturally resilient child in this situation can develop traits that are more likened to empathy.

Being around this type of parent involves the child constantly aware of their parents emotional status to know if they are safe or not, whilst at the same time their emotional needs are ignored. These survival states can lead on to anxiety and depression, the child taking this lack of interest in themselves to adulthood. Often becoming an adult and having no personal boundaries and low self esteem.

The methods to inhibit NPD potentially developing is for consistent healthy minded caregivers to give the child a feeling of safety in that relationship and also in the world around them. This relationship does not have to be a parent it can also be the grandparents, the best friend or even the uncle. The child needs to have that inspirational influence to watch and learn emotional development from.

Narcissism on the other hand is associated not with a secure attachment style as mentioned but is associated with an anxious and avoidant attachment style. This results in the adult narcissist never feeling safe within relationships. Causing them to have difficulties in deep meaningful connections with sustained intimacy.

Once you know how a narcissist is made it makes it really hard to set boundaries and walk away from the relationship but without extensive therapy from a specialist in this area of psychology the person with these traits will continue the disruptive behaviour and also ruin all close relationships eventually. No amount of love or support will help this disorder without therapy being attended by the narcissist.

Sensitive children with difficult temperaments can be more susceptible to developing theses traits than a child with a resilient and easy going temperament. The environment that the child is raised in is also needs to be considered on how toxic these traits will develop.

Generational Toxicity

You often find parenting styles for example that have been past down from one family to the next and so generational toxicity is formed. Many people within this family unit are toxic and the person who doesn’t develop their value system or herd mentality is used as a scapegoat.

We think about family bonds between parents and their children as a forged emblem of care, love, support, and shared experiences: frolicking in the snow or going to the beach, family BBQs, holidays and birthdays, etc. And, yes, there are families whose old photo albums and newer Instagram accounts look just like that but with a toxic family the reality is someone is going to have to bear the blame, regardless of the circumstances. Which sets siblings against each other, working hard to stay in the parents good graces. As part of their strategy to duck and cover, they participate in the dis-regulated parents games.

Almost all scapegoated children develop a thick skin emotionally and are prone to armouring, even when they’re conscious of how they’re being bullied and mistreated and how unfair it is. Being robbed of a sense of belonging in their family of origin leaves a real mark, and stays with them into adulthood. They can become high achievers, on the one hand, actively working to disprove their toxic parents vision of them, or they may have so internalised the negative messages about themselves that they set their sights low, avoid failure at all costs, and have problems both setting and accomplishing their own goals. There’s no question that significant emotional and psychological wounds are sustained.

Being raised by disengaged parents and not having your emotional needs met, is the psychological equivalent of being fed junk food. You are fed but you are never nourished.

Developing NPD is a by-product of conditional love: ‘I love you IF’….This conditional love is shown through validation i.e only when the child performs, only when the child wins, only when the child archives and so on. These are the parents that are front row cheering their kids on when their kid gets a trophy or №1 at anything. Its great to be proud of your children but these parents are no where to be found when that kid doesn’t do what the parent wants.

If the caregiver doesn’t witness any achievements, then the child realises they are not important and has little value in life, they just exist. sometimes developing strong resilience and independent skills but also growing into adults with a void within them where the love and attention should have been, leading to other issues steaming from not having any idea what healthy interpersonal relationships look like i.e seeing toxic partners as familiar love systems and not leaving when abuse and perceived love collide.

Developed not Born

None of the research on how Narcissist develop is a perfect science. Factors such as the child’s disposition, temperament and influences have to be factored in and considered. There is no clear pattern that determines a child will be a narcissist.

Our modern society doesn’t help as its developing around a superficial existence with lashings of perceived perfection via social media. The importance of ‘who we are’ is being replaced with ‘what we are’ The external self replacing the importance of the emotional self. If you feel you are hearing more about the prevalence of toxic personalities these days you only have to look back over the last twenty years and see the shifts in our society and its value systems. Social Media isn’t causing NPD but it certainly isn’t deterring toxic and insecure traits developing. Which makes it more important than ever to add social media to a list to protect young minds from.

Insecurity is the bedrock of Narcissism, when the child develops defence systems to protect itself these can manifest as grandiose ideas or entitlement to protect that core identity. The narcissistic traits then develop further when the child starts to learn behaviours from a disengaged parent such as arrogance and bullying.

Fortunately, its easy to reduce the prevalence of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the flow of people with Narcissistic traits entering society, by just raising children in safe, loving environments with mindful and present parents.

Note: In this article I used the terms “narcissist,” “narcissistic,” and “NPD” as shorthand to describe people who qualify for a diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder and ‘Toxic’ or ‘Predator’ as a broader terminology.

Original article can be found at www.narcologypride.com